Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Murder on Ruschin Dr. (aka the death of Grumpy the dwarf)

I drove home from work on a relatively average day. It was a long weekend for me so I was a bit on the chipper side, despite the multiple accidents on the freeway that nearly doubled my commute.

As usual an after a binging incident, I was a bit hesitant to enter the house. On the previous day, Apollo and Icon had nabbed a half full bag of Costco-sized Pita Chips off of the counter and eaten them while I was at work. Logically I knew that today I had left nothing for them to get into (I always remember to put everything out of their reach the day after they binge due to my forgetfulness) but I was emotionally scarred from the day before. A deep, penetrating scar that would take at least a day or two to heal. And so I grabbed the door knob confidently, but hesitated before turning it.

I eased the door open and walked in to be greeted by my spotless black granite counter tops. My stainless steel coffee pot winked at me, knowing that although I can walk past him without a glance now, in the morning I will come crawling on my knees and beg him to start producing his sweet, dark nectar.

My dogs rushed up to say, 'Hi mom! We missed you! We love you! Why were you gone so long??? Play with us! Pleaaaase?'

Boy, I love my dogs. All was right in my world.

It was not until I steped a bit further into my kitchen that the doorway to my computer room started to display the carnage within.

As I steped in, my mind swirled in confusion. I felt a bit faint. Snow?? In my computer room?? In December? Inconceviable! (I just saw the movie The Princess Bride the other night, so the word 'Inconcevable' sliped into my thoughts unbidden).

Mounds of fluffy whiteness were spread over the exapanse of my computer room floor. Icon bounded across the snow and barked cheerfully. I gasped in horror as my eyes started to focus on a hat buried within the snow. A hat I knew well!

The words "Grumpy" were written across the brim. I looked a bit to my right to see large white eyes and a bulbous nose, which just barely avoided being totally embraced by the snow. A glance a bit to my left showed a foot that appeared to be struck with elephantiasis.

I grasped the hat to my chest and howled my agony! The dogs howled with me. Who could have done such a thing???? Who? Who??? WHO????

Pook peered around the doorway to see what woke him from his sleep. Unimpressed, he flicked his tail at us and returned to his spot on the couch in the livingroom.


Join me now as we use amazing new technology peruse the murder scene and re-enact the actual murder of Grumpy!


The suspects are as shown, left to right.

APOLLO (aka POLLY - Food stealer and emotional manipulator extraordinaire)
ICON (aka - well, he would be embarassed if I told you - mastermind of the 'indignant innocence' expression and Polly manipulator extraordinaire)
FOSTER (aka THE BOSS - He suggests it, Polly and Icon do it)
POOK (aka DUKE - 'Leave me the 'f@#$' alone!')

Some individuals look more guilty than others. You might see what I mean if you look closely at Foster.

Let us use our wonderful technology to look deper into the situation.


Here we see the carnage I had to witness.

The large white eyes and bulbous nose are quite visible (and handily labeled). As is the foot, which appears to be inflicted with elephantiasis (and it should be labeled foot, not food in the picture. Polly must have used his culinary mind powers on me and caused me to misspell that!). Was Grumpy recently in Africa? Maybe that's a clue!


Oh. What's that?

Sorry. I was distracted by Polly's muscular boxer booty, but I'm back with you now. And I think I have solved the mystery.


Now lets see if we can re-enact the situation from what we have learned.

The dogs were enjoying a relaxing day at home while I was at work. Pook was outside, so he is exonerated from the crime FOR NOW (who knows, perhaps it will turn out that he was the mastermind of the whole thing?).

But without warning or even a flash of intelligence in his eye, Foster remembered that Grumpy had been in this house for TWO WHOLE YEARS! And that Grumpy had been a gift from his EVIL* human father, Jay, to his ANGELIC** human mother, Channan, to signify that she was a grumpy person.

Of course Foster couldn't stand for such slander! And since Jay wouldn't be around until he's dog-sitting next weekend, Foster decided to take his frustration out on Grumpy!

It started pretty sedately. A rip up Grumpy's inseam. I'm sure Grumpy felt it, but it didn't dirty my room so why did I care?

I know what you're thinking, though. How could Foster, on his own, give Grumpy an inseam tear? Well he can't without an accomplice.

But who could it be??

We know it's not Pook. He was outside for the day, and besides, his teeth aren't strong enough to possibly cause a fatal inseam tear.

So that leaves two suspects. Polly and Icon. Well I can tell you that since Polly has his chin on my lap right now and is looking EXCEEDINGLY cute, the accomplice must have been ICON!!!

I know, I know. Everyone tells me this, "Icon is wonderful! Icon is perfect! Icon never does anything bad!" Well maybe Icon LOOKS innocent. Maybe he puts his ears back, maybe he makes his eyes wide and liquid. Maybe his expression makes your heart quiver!

Maybe he says, 'I'm so pretty in the snow! It wasn't me!'

But don't be fooled! I have special Border Collie Cam! It shows EXACTLY what Icon is thinking.



And so the mystery is solved. Foster and Icon will be sentenced to a weekend without ANGEGIC** human mom, where they will have to spend time with EVIL* human dad. Since Polly is Perpetually Perfect in every way, he will be going to Longbeach with ANGELIC** mom for AKC Invitationals.

Thank you for helping us solve this mystery. Tune in next week for AKC Invitational results. Hopefully I'll have videos of all our favorite california friends!

*disclaimer: Jay, who is my ex, is actually a really nice guy and the dogs all love him. he's not evil at all but I had to say it or my story wouldn't be so interesting, now would it?

**disclaimer: Ok, so I'm not really that angelic. But a girl can dream.


  1. I refuse, I REFUSE to believe that the perfect Icon had anything to do with the disection of Grumpy! But on second thought, his daddy is named HN Perfect Plan aka Scheme and his mother is a biker momma as suggested by her name HN Riding High aka Harley...could it be that their 'perfect' son Icon is a scheming little biker dude with the mentality of inflicting bodily harm to such innocent victoms as Grumpy the dwarf???? This grandma just doesn't want to believe the sweet Icon is anything but!

  2. Yep, Polly couldn't have been a perpetrator because he is perfect :)

  3. OMG! So funny!

    I just discovered your blog and am having a great time "meeting" your crew.